June 5, 2026
Reader
A couple of weeks ago, Mike and I went to a concert.
A friend of ours plays in a band, and they had a gig about 35 minutes away. It was one of those cold, cloudy, dreary May days — the kind where the sky can't decide if it's winter or spring. But our friend was playing, and we're supportive people, so we bundled up and went.
About halfway through the show, I was officially freezing. I glanced at Mike. Mike glanced at me. And in that moment of marital telepathy that only comes after decades together, we discovered the truth:
Neither of us had wanted to come.
I went because I thought Mike wanted to go. Mike went because he thought I wanted to go. Our friend, for the record, would have been perfectly happy with a text that said "Break a leg — we'll catch the next one!"
It turns out there's a name for this. It's called the Abilene Paradox, coined by management professor Jerry B. Harvey after his own family piled into a non-air-conditioned car for a miserable four-hour round trip to Abilene, Texas — only to discover afterward that not one of them had actually wanted to go. Everyone agreed to the trip because they assumed everyone else wanted it.
The Abilene Paradox isn't about disagreement. It's about the failure to manage agreement — a whole group of people doing something none of them wants, out of politeness.
And here's what I've been chewing on since I thawed out: our lives are full of trips to Abilene.
The holiday gathering we keep hosting because "it's tradition" (while the kids privately wish it were a week later and half the size). The volunteer board we stay on out of guilt — populated entirely by other people staying on out of guilt. The annual trip to the same place, the standing dinner, the obligation that calcified into a calendar entry years ago.
By this stage of life, we've spent decades being agreeable — at work, with our kids, with our parents. The gift of our 60s is that we've finally earned the right to ask the one question nobody in Harvey's car asked:
"Wait — do you actually want to go to Abilene?"
It costs nothing. It takes ten seconds. And it can save you a four-hour car ride, a frostbitten concert, or something much bigger.
So Let Me Ask You...
What are you politely agreeing to do?
Is it attending a charity event because someone asked and "no" felt rude? Saying yes to a party out of FOMO, when what you'd really treasure is extra time with the grandkids? Sitting on a committee, hosting a dinner, making the drive — all because you assumed it mattered to someone else?
Here's the exercise: think about what you genuinely value. What's important to you — not to the version of you that everyone expects to show up. Then work to focus your time, your energy, and yes, your giving, on those things.
You only get one life. Make sure you're spending it doing what you actually want to do — not taking trips to Abilene.
Warmly,
Wendy
Founder OverSixtyInsights
P.S. This month marks the 40th anniversary of the movie Ferris Buehler's Day Off - maybe today should be your Ferris Buehler's Day to do whatever you want to do!
Quote for the Day:
"When you say 'yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'no' to yourself." — Paulo Coelho
In Case You Missed It
If charitable giving is one of the things you value, make sure you're doing it on purpose — and tax-smart:
Pass It Along
Know someone who's currently sitting at a concert they don't want to be at? (Don't text them mid-show — that's rude.) But do forward this newsletter their way. And if someone forwarded this to you, you can subscribe here.
A Resource I Trust
Speaking of doing things on purpose: one task most of us genuinely should do (but keep postponing) is organizing our critical documents. DocuGuardian makes it painless — a secure place for your wills, account info, and the documents your family would need in an emergency. Use code OverSixty for a 10% discount. Unlike a trip to Abilene, this is one trip worth taking.
P.S. I am ALWAYS looking for feedback. Just reply to this email and let me know what you like or don't like.
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